Group 2 Edited Script

 

Edited by Kristen Atkinson

Act 1 Scene 1

[Scene opens with a wedding between Ageon and his wife Emilia, followed by the birth of their twin sons, the purchase of two newborn slaves and then the shipwreck which is the cause for their separation]

AEGEON

My youngest boy, and yet my eldest care,

At eighteen years became inquisitive

After his brother: and importuned me

That his attendant–so his case was like,

Reft of his brother, but retained his name–

Might bear him company in the quest of him.

Act 1 Scene 2 

[Enter Syracuse, Dromio of Syracuse]

OF SYRACUSE

Go bear it to the Centaur, where we host,

And stay there, Dromio, till I come to thee.

Within this hour it will be dinner-time:

Till that, I’ll view the manners of town,

Peruse the traders, gaze upon the buildings,

And then return and sleep within mine inn,

For with long travel I am stiff and weary.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Many a man would take you at your word,

And go indeed, having so good a mean.

[exit Dromio of Syracuse]

[enter Dromio of Ephesus]

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Returned so soon! rather approached too late:

The capon burns, the pig falls from the spit,

The clock hath strucken twelve upon the bell;

My mistress made it one upon my cheek:

She is so hot because the meat is cold;

The meat is cold because you come not home;

You come not home because you have no stomach;

You have no stomach having broke your fast;

But we that know what it is to fast and pray

Are penitent for your default today.

OF SYRACUSE

Stop in your wind, sir: tell me this,

Where have you left the money that I gave you?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Sixpence, that I had Wednesday last

To pay the saddler for my mistress’s crupper?

The saddler has it, sir; I kept it not.

OF SYRACUSE

I am not in a sportive humour now:

Tell me, where is the money?

How dare you trust

So great a charge from thine own custody?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

I pray you, as you sit at dinner:

I from my mistress come to you in post;

If I return, I shall be post indeed,

For she will score your fault upon my pate.

OF SYRACUSE

Come, Dromio, come, these jests are out of season;

Reserve them till a merrier hour than this.

Where is the gold I gave to thee?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

To me, sir? You gave no gold to me.

OF SYRACUSE

Come on, sir knave, be done your foolishness,

And tell me how you disposed thy charge.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

My charge was but to fetch you from the mart

Home to your house, the Phoenix, sir, to dinner:

My mistress and her sister wait for you.

OF SYRACUSE

In what safe place you have bestowed my money,

Or I shall break that merry sconce of yours

Where is the thousand marks thou had of me?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

I have some marks of yours upon my pate,

Some of my mistress’ marks upon my shoulders,

But not a thousand marks between you both.

If I should pay your worship those again,

Perchance you will not bear them patiently.

OF SYRACUSE

Thy mistress’ marks? What mistress?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Your worship’s wife, my mistress at the Phoenix;

She that fast till you come home to dinner,

And prays that you will hie you home to dinner.

OF SYRACUSE

What, wilt thou flout me thus unto my face,

Being forbid? Take that, sir knave.

[Syracuse Beats Dromio of Ephesus]

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

What mean you, sir? for God’s sake, hold your hands!

Nay, and you will not, sir, I’ll take my heels.

[Exit Dromio of Ephesus]

OF SYRACUSE

Upon my life, by some device or other

The villain is over raught of all my money.

I’ll go to the Centaur, to go seek this slave:

I greatly fear my money is not safe.

Act 2 Scene 1 

[Enter Adriana, Luciana]

ADRIANA

Neither my husband nor the slave return’d,

That in such haste I sent to seek his master!

Sure, Luciana, it is two o’clock.

LUCIANA

Here comes your man; now is your husband nigh.

[Enter DROMIO of Ephesus]

ADRIANA

Say, is your tardy master now at hand?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Nay, he’s at two hands with me, and that my two ears

can witness.

ADRIANA

Say, did you speak with him? Know you his mind?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Ay, ay, he told his mind upon mine ear:

Beshrew his hand, I scarce could understand it.

LUCIANA

Spoke he so doubtfully, you could not feel his meaning?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Nay, he struck so plainly, I could too well feel his
blows; and withal so doubtfully that I could scarce
understand them.
ADRIANA
But say, is he coming home? It seems he
hath great care to please his wife.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Why, mistress, sure my master is horn-mad.
ADRIANA
Horn-mad, thou villain!
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
I mean not cuckold-mad;
But, sure, he is stark mad.
When I desired him to come home to dinner,
He ask’d me for a thousand marks in gold:
”Tis dinner-time,’ quoth I; ‘My gold!’ quoth he;
‘Your meat doth burn,’ quoth I; ‘My gold!’ quoth he:
‘Will you come home?’ quoth I; ‘My gold!’ quoth he.
‘Where is the thousand marks I gave thee, villain?’
‘The pig,’ quoth I, ‘is burn’d;’ ‘My gold!’ quoth he:
‘My mistress, sir’ quoth I; ‘Hang up thy mistress!
I know not thy mistress; out on thy mistress!’
LUCIANA
Quoth who?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Quoth my master:
‘I know,’ quoth he, ‘no house, no wife, no mistress.’
So that my errand, due unto my tongue,
I thank him, I bare home upon my shoulders;
For, in conclusion, he did beat me there.
ADRIANA
Go back again, thou slave, and fetch him home.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Go back again, and be new beaten home?
For God’s sake, send some other messenger.
ADRIANA
Back, slave, or I will break thy pate across.

[A hits Dromio of Ephesus]
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
And he will bless that cross with other beating:
Between you I shall have a holy head.
ADRIANA
Hence, prating peasant! fetch thy master home.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Am I so round with you as you with me,
That like a football you do spurn me thus?
You spurn me hence, and he will spurn me hither:
If I last in this service, you must case me in leather.
[Exit Dromio of Ephesus]

[Luciana and Adriana share a glance before leaving]

Act 2, Scene 2 

[Enter Syracuse]

OF SYRACUSE

The gold I gave to Dromio is laid up

Safe at the Centaur.

I could not speak with Dromio since at first

I sent him from the mart. See, here he comes.

[Enter Dromio of Syracuse]

How now sir! is your merry humour altered?

You know no Centaur? you received no gold?

Your mistress sent to have me home to dinner?

My house was at the Phoenix? Was thou mad?

Answer me!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

What answer, sir? when spoke I such a word?

OF SYRACUSE

Even now, even here, not half an hour since.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

I did not see you since you sent me hence,

Home to the Centaur, with the gold you gave me.

OF SYRACUSE

Villain, you denied the gold’s receipt,

And told me of a mistress and a dinner;

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

I am glad to see you in this merry vein:

What means this jest? I pray you, master, tell me.

OF SYRACUSE

Yea, do you jeer me in the teeth?

Thinks you I jest? Hold, take you that, and that.

[Syracuse beats Dromio of Syracuse]

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Hold, sir, for God’s sake! now your jest is earnest:

Upon what bargain do you give it me?

OF SYRACUSE

Because that I sometimes

Do use you for my fool and chat with you,

Your sauciness will jest upon my love

And make a common of my serious hours.

If you will jest with me, know my aspect,

And fashion your demeanor to my looks,

Or I will beat this method in your sconce.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Sconce call you it? so you would leave battering, I

had rather have it a head: an you use these blows

long, I must get a sconce for my head and ensconce

it too; or else I shall seek my wit in my shoulders.

But, I pray, sir why am I beaten?

OF SYRACUSE

Do you not know?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Nothing, sir, but that I am beaten.

OF SYRACUSE

Shall I tell you why?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Ay, sir, and wherefore; for they say every why has

a wherefore.

OF SYRACUSE

Why, first,–for flouting me; and then, wherefore–

For urging it the second time.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Was there ever any man thus beaten out of season,

When in the why and the wherefore is neither rhyme

nor reason? Well, sir, I thank you.

OF SYRACUSE

Thank me, sir, for what?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Marry, sir, for this something that you gave me for nothing.

OF SYRACUSE

I’ll make you amends next, to give you nothing for

something. But say is it dinner-time?

[Enter Adriana & Luciana ]

ADRIANA

Ay, ay, Antipholus, look strange and frown:

Some other mistress hath thy sweet aspects;

I am not Adriana nor thy wife.

The time was once when thou unurged wouldst vow

That never words were music to thine ear,

That never object pleasing in thine eye,

That never touch well welcome to thy hand,

That never meat sweet-savor’d in thy taste,

Unless I spoke, or look’d, or touch’d, or carved to thee.

How comes it now, my husband, O, how comes it,

That thou art thus estranged from thyself?

OF SYRACUSE

Plead you to me, fair dame? I know you not:

In Ephesus I am but two hours old,

As strange unto your town as to your talk;

LUCIANA

Brother! how the world is changed with you!

When were you wont to use my sister thus?

She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner.

OF SYRACUSE

By Dromio?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

By me?

ADRIANA

By thee; and this thou did return from him,

And, in his blows, denied my house for his.

OF SYRACUSE

Did you converse, sir, with this gentlewoman?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

I, sir? I never saw her till this time.

OF SYRACUSE

Villain, thou liest; for even her very words

Did you deliver to me on the mart.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

I never spoke with her in all my life.

OF SYRACUSE

How can she thus then call us by our names,

Unless it be by inspiration.

ADRIANA

How ill agrees it with your gravity

To counterfeit thus grossly with your slave,

Abetting him to thwart me in my mood!

Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine:

Thou art an elm, my husband, I a vine,

Whose weakness, married to thy stronger state,

Makes me with thy strength to communicate:

If aught possess thee from me, it is dross,

U-surping ivy, brier, or idle moss;

Who, all for want of pruning, with intrusion

Infect thy sap and live on thy confusion.

OF SYRACUSE

To me she speaks; she moves me for her theme:

What, was I married to her in my dream?

Or sleep I now and think I hear all this?

What error drives our eyes and ears amiss?

Until I know this sure uncertainty,

I’ll entertain the offered fallacy.

LUCIANA

Dromio, go bid the servants spread for dinner.

[Exit all except Dromio of Syracuse]

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

O, for my beads! I cross me for a sinner.

This is the fairy land: O spite of spites!

We talk with goblins, owls and sprites:

If we obey them not, this will ensue,

They’ll suck our breath, or pinch us black and blue.

[Exit Dromio of Syracuse]

Act 3 Scene 1 (Split screen with wall between within and without/ market and castle)

[Enter Angelo, Ephesus & Dromio of Ephesus]

OF EPHESUS

[To Angelo]

My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours:

Say that I linger’d with you at your shop

To see the making of her carcanet,

And that to-morrow you will bring it home.

[To Dromio of Ephesus]

But here’s a villain that would face me down

Say he met me on the mart, and that I beat him,

And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,

And that I did deny my wife and house.

Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know;

That you beat me at the mart, I have your hand to show:

If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,

Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.

OF EPHESUS

I think you are an ass.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Marry, so it doth appear

By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.

I should kick, being kicked; and, being at that pass,

You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass.

OF EPHESUS
But, soft! my door is lock’d. Go bid them let us in.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS [knocking at the door]
Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicel, Gillian, Ginn!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within]

Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb,
idiot, patch!
Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch.
Do you conjure for wenches, that you call
for such store,
When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
What patch is made our porter? My master stays in
the street.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within]
Let him walk from whence he came, lest he
catch cold on feet.

OF EPHESUS
Who talks within there? ho, open the door!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 
Right, sir; I’ll tell you when, and you tell
me wherefore.
OF EPHESUS
Wherefore? for my dinner: I have not dined today.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 
Nor to-day here you must not; come again
when you may.
OF EPHESUS
What are you that keepest me out from the house I own?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
The porter for this time, sir, and my name
is Dromio.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

O villain! thou hast stolen both mine office and my name.

The one never got me credit, the other mickle blame.

If thou hadst been Dromio to-day in my place,

Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name or thy

name for an ass.

ADRIANA
Who is that at the door that keeps all
this noise?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
By my troth, your town is troubled with
unruly boys.
OF EPHESUS
Are you there, wife? you might have come before.
ADRIANA
Your wife, sir knave! go get you from the door.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
If you went in pain, master, this ‘knave’ would go sore.

OF EPHESUS
Go fetch me something: I’ll break open the gate.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
 Break any thing here, and I’ll break your
knave’s pate.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind,
Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
It seems thou want’st breaking: out upon
thee, hind!
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Here’s too much ‘out upon thee!’ I pray thee,
let me in.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
 Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.
OF EPHESUS
Well, I’ll break in: go borrow me a crow.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
A crow without feather? Master, mean you so?
For a fish without a fin, there’s a fowl without a feather;
If a crow help us in, sirrah, we’ll pluck a crow together.
OF EPHESUS
Go get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.

[Exit Dromio of Ephesus. Ephesus Contemplates]

OF EPHESUS
I will depart in quiet,
And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.
I know a wench of excellent discourse,
Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle:
There will we dine. This woman that I mean,
My wife–but, I protest, without dessert–
Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal:
To her will we to dinner.

[To Angelo]
And fetch the chain; by this I know ’tis made:
Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine;
For there’s the house: that chain will I bestow–
Be it for nothing but to spite my wife–
Upon mine hostess there: good sir, make haste.

[Exit Angelo]
Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
I’ll knock elsewhere, to see if they’ll disdain me.

[Exit Ephesus]

Act 3, Scene 2 

[Enter Luciana, Syracuse]

LUCIANA
Even in the spring of love, thy love-springs rot?
Shall love, in building, grow so ruinous?
If you did wed my sister for her wealth,
Then for her wealth’s sake use her with more kindness:
Or if you like elsewhere, do it by stealth;
Muffle your false love with some show of blindness:
Let not my sister read it in your eye;
‘Tis double wrong, to truant with your bed
Ill deeds are doubled with an evil word.

OF SYRACUSE
Sweet mistress–what your name is else, I know not,
Nor by what wonder you do hit of mine,–
Teach me, dear creature, how to think and speak;
Are you a god? would you create me new?
Transform me then, and to your power I’ll yield.
But if that I am I, then well I know
Your weeping sister is no wife of mine,

LUCIANA
What, are you mad, that you do reason so?
OF SYRACUSE
Not mad, but mated; how, I do not know.
LUCIANA
It is a fault that springeth from your eye.
OF SYRACUSE
For gazing on your beams, fair sun, being by.
LUCIANA
Gaze where you should, and that will clear your sight.
OF SYRACUSE
As good to wink, sweet love, as look on night.
LUCIANA
Why call you me love? call my sister so.
OF SYRACUSE
Thy sister’s sister.
LUCIANA
That’s my sister.
OF SYRACUSE
No;
It is thyself, mine own self’s better part,
Mine eye’s clear eye, my dear heart’s dearer heart,
My food, my fortune and my sweet hope’s aim,
My sole earth’s heaven and my heaven’s claim.
LUCIANA
All this my sister is, or else should be.
OF SYRACUSE
Call thyself sister, for I am thee.
Thee will I love and with thee lead my life:
Thou hast no husband yet nor I no wife.
Give me thy hand.
LUCIANA
O, soft, air! hold you still:
I’ll fetch my sister, to get her good will.

[Exits Luciana]

[Enter Dromio of Syracuse]

OF SYRACUSE
Why, how now, Dromio! where runn’st thou so fast?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Do you know me, sir? am I Dromio? am I your man?
am I myself?
OF SYRACUSE
Thou are Dromio, thou are my man, thou are thyself.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I am an ass, I am a woman’s man and besides myself.
Of Syracuse
What woman’s man? and how besides thyself? besides thyself?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Marry, sir, besides myself, I am due to a woman; one
that claims me, one that haunts me, one that will have me.
OF SYRACUSE
What claim lays she to thee?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Marry sir, such claim as you would lay to your
horse; and she would have me as a beast: not that, I
being a beast, she would have me; but that she,
being a very beastly creature, lays claim to me.
OF SYRACUSE
What is she?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
To conclude, this drudge, laid claim to me, call’d me
Dromio; swore I was assured to her;

OF SYRACUSE
Go thee presently, post to the road:
An if the wind blow any way from shore,
I will not harbour in this town to-night:
If any bark put forth, come to the mart,
Where I will walk till thou return to me
‘Tis time, I think, pack and be gone.


DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
As from a bear a man would run for life,
So fly I from her that would be my wife.

[exit Dromio of Syracuse]
OF SYRACUSE
‘Tis high time that I were hence.
She that doth call me husband, even my soul
Doth for a wife abhor. But her fair sister,
Of such enchanting presence and discourse,
Hath almost made me traitor to myself:
[Enter Angelo with chain]

ANGELO
Master Antipholus,–
OF SYRACUSE
Ay, that’s my name.
ANGELO
I know it well, sir, lo, here is the chain.
I thought to have taken you at the Porpentine:
The chain unfinished made me stay thus long.
OF SYRACUSE
What is your will that I shall do with this?
ANGELO
What please yourself, sir: I have made it for you.
OF SYRACUSE
Made it for me, sir! I bespoke it not.
ANGELO
Not once, nor twice, but twenty times you have.
Go home with it and please your wife withal;
And soon at supper-time I’ll visit you
And then receive my money for the chain.

OF SYRACUSE
I pray you, sir, receive the money now,
For fear you ne’er see chain nor money more.
ANGELO
You are a merry man, sir: fare you well.
[Exit Angelo]
OF SYRACUSE
What I should think of this, I cannot tell:
But this I think, there’s no man is so vain
That would refuse so fair an offer’d chain.

[Exit Syracuse]

References:

http://shakespeare.mit.edu/comedy_errors/full.html